Sunday, September 19, 2010


Seattleites, you have some 'splaining to do. Why the fuck did no one warn me about these "Giant House Spiders" that are apparently so common in Seattle? Gaaaaarrahrahbbebabelle.

I've blogged about my arachnophobia before, but just in case it's not clear: I am fucking terrified of spiders. Like, even ones that are a millimeter in diameter. I recognize that this is a totally irrational fear, but I can't logic it away, so please spare me. Consider this an evolutionary adaptation.

So yeah. Finding two daddy long legs (which, I know, are not spiders, but are spider-y enough) was unnerving. Finding some decent sized spiders guarding my mail box was flail inducing, especially since I see them hanging out in bushes everywhere. But this?

This is unacceptable.

I am not going to show or even link to a photo of these horrible things, not because I don't want to scare you, but because I am too terrified to even look at them on my computer screen. I turned around, ready to go to bed, and there's this enormous spider on my wall. It was brown, hairy, and each leg was thick and almost two inches long (not a wolf spider though - unfortunately I have seen those in person). The only reason I was brave enough to squish it was because the idea of waking up and it not being there was even more terrifying. Someone should have been videotaping me as I ran around flailing, silently screaming, and eventually settling on squishing it with a mop because I couldn't get any closer.

Hilarious for you. Not hilarious for me.

One of the more unnerving parts was how it died. I expected my wall to be covered in exploded spider guts. Instead, it sort of just crumpled into a little ball and fell off. The worst part? I found an identical looking dead crumpled spider yesterday, which means my landlord probably squished one of these before I came. Which means multiple giant house spiders within a short period of time.


If I had vodka, I'd be doing shots right now to calm my nerves. I feel like stuff is crawling all over me, and I was verging on a panic attack until I decided to blog my neurosis. Seriously, I am not going to be able to sleep tonight. I'm on an air mattress that's about 3 inches off the ground. At least with a bed I can pretend I'm safe.

Please don't point out how I'm not :(

Friend: They like cold, dry places like basements, not inside the house.I've NEVER seen one in my bed, EVER. If they're EVER in the house, they like corners of rooms and bathroom tubs because they like really really cold, dry, dark spaces. I'm being as honest as I can here. I'm so sorry this sucks for you. Is there anything I can do to help you feel better?
Friend: ...uh. Sorry.


Same Friend: My friend just told me that flea bombs work for spiders. And he says keeping a spotless place is the best defense
Me: Fuccccccckkkkkkk. I am a slob
Friend: Oh, hon.
Me: I will fucking clean if it means no giant ass spiders.
Friend: Yes! Good can come of this!


  1. Oh. My. God. So I was just watching tv in my living room, and I saw this giant ass mother fucking spawn of SATAN run across the floor, I about threw my computer and ran to get the broom, when I came back (quite literally 5 seconds) it was no where to be seen, so I took out my phone and pulled up the flashlight, went searching everywhere for it, and eventually found it in the corner of my room, I tried to get a good look at it but I did not waste any more time and smashed the living hell out of it! Lol, safe to say I hate spiders, and I too feel creepy crawlers all over my body and in my bed as I try to sleep in the dead of fall.

    God save us all,

  2. Jen's spider must have had sex with deric's spawn of Satan because that's exactly what ran across my wall doing 100 meter dash to my ceiling, needless to say I ussin bolt-ed into the hallway only to turn around to see him just sparing at me like heeeeey scary ass what's up.....pissed me off so I got some bleach and water an preceded to spray the bastard to hell. he slipped a few times then just stood there staring at me again like "dont go to sleep georgey boy" ....creepy so I sprayed him one last time an he fell on my air condition an crawed in, perfect I thought i'll freeze his ass. upon turning it on the motor caught him, knocked him about a few times before dragging him down to hell...or so I thought. I went back in room to get some movies when I seen him laying my the opening curled up so I thought the motor pushed him back up, by this time I had enough of seeing him so I left out to get a stick to pull him out but when I came back it was gone again so like Jen I was like FUUUUUUUCK YOOOOOOU you evil zombie fuck then spayed the air condition hoping it would come out but my girlfriend convinced me he was gone so hours later I got in beds head board is in front the air condition so my head is right there, I hear a sound an look at the air condition an before my eyes could adjust a large hairly leg poked out as he ran full speed at me....I screamed like a 2 year old girl like omg the fucking zombie tried to bite me...this time he went to far...nothing gets away with terrifying me that bad with some heated revenge....I got steaming hot water an poured it on him....dead now right...fuck no he tried to crawl away until I broomed him back to hell. lol I will never be the same again.

  3. I now suffer from arachnophobia and it's been diagnosed by psychiatrist. I've relocated to UK from Switzerland. Biggest spiders you get there are like 2cm in diameter, so I was in total shock when I came across my first giant house spider in the UK. Since then, I've also been suffering from insomnia and depression in consequence of my fear of spiders. Despite having really well paid job in here, I am seriously considering moving back and it's only for that reason. I can not freely mobilise within my own house without thinking of spiders, I can not relax in my own house, I can not get any proper sleep and I know, there is no other way to help it, but moving abroad. Conkers do help, but only to a certain extend. Spiders do not have a sense of smell. They "smell" by touching things.

  4. thank you.I, too, am afraid - no - terrified of spiders. I've seen one as big as my hand jump a foot - no exaggeration . I found out today they are not wolf spiders, they are not recluse spiders. Pest control says horse chestnuts to scare away this Giant House Spider is an urban myth that he had never heard before in 20 years. I, too, will clean up my floor.

  5. I am so glad others share this same fear,not that's its a good thing but because people think I am losing it when I tell them I ran down the street screaming and crying and asking someone to help me. Today I had the worst encounter with one and I live by myself. After about three attempts to try and spray his bitchass. I realized I was just to fucking terrified. To get close enough. All I could do was scream because I think that piece of shit was chasing me. I eventually had to knock on my neighbor door for him to kill him, and get this! He was scared as shit to but got the job I am to scared to go home....what if its more? My house is spotless but have way to many openings for me. My landlord is going to fix this shit no kidding

    Signed the scariest bitch on earth