Thursday, November 19, 2009

A version of the Bible that's actually useful

My friend over at SuperFunAdventureTime! decided (probably out of boredom) to make some improvements to his copy of the Bible. That seems like a daunting task, but I like the final result:His reasoning?

"The SuperFunAdventureBible clears up and confusing or flowery passages and allows the reader to concentrate on the real crux of the Christian faith. Christians should be thanking me, as I carefully removed (with a utility knife) all of the times the Bible urges people to participate in:
  • murder (Ezekiel 9:5-6)
  • genocide (Deuteronomy 20:16-17; Exodus 17:13-16)
  • incest (Exodus 6:20; Genesis 19:30-38)
  • abortion (Hosea 13:16)
  • cannibalism (Jeremiah 19:9)
  • materialism (Proverbs 14:20)
  • domestic violence (Proverbs 20:30)
  • shit-eating (Ezekiel 4:12-15),
  • genital mutilation (Genesis 17:9-13)
  • …and Communist party membership (Acts 4:32-35)

Thanks to me, the Christian apologetics have less to apologize over. Now, Christians can concentrate on the central themes of intimidation and greed without the requisite cognitive dissonance."

I approve.

Though I think I would be more creative in what I stored in my SuperFunAdventureBible. How about condoms? You're in the moment, your partner asks you to grab some protection, you show them your Bible, they freak out (hopefully), you reveal its contents, you both have a good chuckle and then go at it like rabbits. Eh? Eh?

Pssh, fine then. What would you store in your Bible?


  1. Hey, you could also include one of those palm-sized vibrators, handcuffs, and other sex toys.

    ....I think I need to get me a Bible and an exacto knife.

  2. As I tend to go to other people's places for sexytime, I wouldn't be able to carry the bible with me. That would just be creepy.

    A copy of the Principia Discordia, though, would be fun.

    ... Alternately, put an oxygen candle, some everclear or gasoline, and a vial of sulfuric acid in there... MOLOTOV BIBLE.

  3. I don't know about this. I feel very uncomfortable about destroying books in general. Feels too much like book burning. And a Bible is a useful object. If you take out all the nasty verses they get harder to look up when arguing with someone about all the nasty stuff in the Bible.

  4. Funny you mention that, Jen. I had to empty the SuperFunAdventureBible of its condoms to take the photo.

    Joshua, that particular Bible was a gift from the all the clergy at my parish when I made my confirmation, so hollowing it was more of a catharsis than wanton destruction.

  5. Just caught ur blog from my friend Asylum Seeker... I think I love you! (glares at 'this' Bryan!)

    I just kid.

  6. Joshua:

    Why be so uncomfortable about modifying a useless fiction and putting it in a better use? I don't understand.

    Yellow Hat Guy:

    That bible is your confirmation to irrationality. There is nothing sacred about that ceremony in which you surrender your mind to some invisible friend in the sky and enslave your body and mind in a cage of fear and guilt. Destroy it and you might be saved! Trust me. There is no salvation in Christianity; there is more guilt, discomfort, and inhibition.

  7. Remind me to keep a bible like this by the bed.

  8. I feel like saying something like holy hand grenade...though in reality it'd probably be food or dust. Though I do really like the condom idea!

    Or if I could get a really big bible, I could open it up and a copy of the god delusion would be there. XD

  9. Many of those verses are completely out of context.

    Proverbs 14:20
    "The poor are shunned even by their neighbors,
    but the rich have many friends."
    This is not promoting materialism, but rather pointing out the truth that people tend to treat rich people better than poor people.

    Ezekial 9...if you read on

    "While they were killing and I was left alone, I fell facedown, crying out, "Ah, Sovereign LORD! Are you going to destroy the entire remnant of Israel in this outpouring of your wrath on Jerusalem?""

    I don't think that character is too happy about this murdering of his people. Murder is definitely frowned upon in the bible, seeing as it's one of the Ten Commandments given to the Israelites.

    I'm very unsure about many of those verses and their conclusion. Proverbs 20:30 says nothing about domestic violence.

    I am deeply concerned that a scientist like yourself very concerned with facts and truth could post such untruths about the bible.

    @ egoist Paul

    If you actually read the New Testament, there really isn't much guilt and shame brought about by Jesus. For instance, John 3:17 "For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him". Jesus was not trying to condemn people or make them feel guilty, but rather to release them from guilt and shame of wrongs.

  10. @Anonymous: "Murder is definitely frowned upon in the bible"? What version of the Bible did you read? You can't go three pages in the Old Testament without reading about Yahweh killing someone or telling one of his followers to do so.

  11. Also @Anonymous: the Proverbs verse states thus: "Blows and wounds cleanse away evil, and beatings purge the inmost being." I would say that you're smart enough to figure it out, but apparently that would be untrue.

  12. Egoist Paul,

    Destroy my Bible? ...I thought I did...

    I agree with you statements, and have done so for about three years ago. I'm one the good guys now, having converted to antitheism. I appreciate the concern though.

  13. @ Tiger

    Proverbs is referring to an inner battle between good and evil. If you are fighting with evil within you, "you inmost being", it may require what seem like physical blows towards yourself 'cleansing away evil'. . It's about cleansing evil, not promoting it. It has nothing to do with domestic violence. This could never be used to rationalize it.

    In the Old Testament, there is much violence. It is terrible thing. People sinned against God and in order to balance everything out, bad things had to happen to people. It's "an eye for an eye, and tooth for tooth". It's like the simple math equation x=x. If you subtract 2 from one side, you must also subtract 2 from another making the equation x-2=x-2.

    Since the Old Testament, God has destroyed that part of Himself. All of the wrath needed to satisfy the equation was thrown upon his begotten son Jesus. People do not have to be burdened by our sin, aka guilt. We don't have to suffer and nothing else has to die. Violence is no longer needed and is frowned upon. Matthew 5:39 says if someone strikes you, do not fight back. Just "turn him the other cheek"

  14. HAHAHAHA. No joke, one of my best friends growing up hollowed out a bible to hide comdoms. His mom was the snoopy type, and never suspected it.

  15. If all that is true then why aren't most of them doing so today?

    I know right where there is a Christian church next to (not even across the street from but right next to) a Muslim mosque in my city. If Christians are to go out and murder (and Muslim's probably the same) then why can't I go to this spot each weekend to watch Crusades part 24 & a half?

    Either real Christians & Muslims aren't showing up at these buildings or the messages of Christianity & Islam could be different from how you describe.

    As for checking out your references I did so for both of your commentaries about Ezekiel (you started out referring to that book in the Bible).

    You didn't go in depth to describe what was going on but yes you found a part encouraging murder. It wasn't just murder but potentially mass murder of people who belonged to a different religion/were infidels/apostates and so on. Last I heard mass murder & ruthlessness (especially in war and/or dealing with rival groups of people) wasn't exactly unheard of back at that time regardless of if people who were Jewish or not. So singling out one religion (or that religion and related ones) may not be all that fair as well as not taking the culture of the time into account (which sometimes gave a thumbs up to bloody activities).

    About the shit eating part. It actually has 2 parts that are noteworthy.

    1st this is part of a bunch of things listed as to be done as part of protesting a relevant and timely issue to them. Now if you've never heard of protesters doing something disturbing I recommend you check out a group of environmentalists that canoe on the Chicago river (in the city) to protest its highly polluted state-that is water I wouldn't recommend going for a swim in.

    2nd it actually ending up saying that they should cook with cow dung. As disturbing as that thought is it actually makes sense as cow dung (when dry) can be burned for fuel. Buffalo "chips" where used for camp fires when the USA was expanding into the west back in the day. And if that sounds strange consider that Egyptians used to power their steam engine trains with mummy parts rather than coal or wood (which trains in the US burned). They did this (in spite of the waste modern historians see it as) because a lot mummies were lying around from back in the day and they seemed to burn well enough.

  16. I have an old testament in Hebrew only for the fact that I understand Hebrew and can see if Christians are BSing me on that.

  17. In all seriousness, I hide my drugs and a flask of really, really good scotch in there.

  18. Anybody tempted to "edit" a bible (or any "sacred" text for that matter), take comfort in the knowledge that you're in good company:

    A shame Jefferson never allowed it to be published in his lifetime, because it's a fascinating version:

    "The Jefferson Bible begins with an account of Jesus’s birth without references to angels, genealogy, or prophecy. Miracles, references to the Trinity and the divinity of Jesus, and Jesus' resurrection are also absent from the Jefferson Bible..."
    -- from the WP page linked above

    As an atheist it's the only version of the bible I've ever found even vaguely tolerable; tried reading the KJV once and only got as far as Numbers before having to abandon the effort due to overwhelming nausea.

    That said, in my youth we had an American RE teacher in school who would occasionally read passages from the "Living Bible" during morning assembly. Yes, this is the one the late Bill Hicks used to reference in his act. It was tolerable ... but only because everyone found it absolutely hilarious. Its idea of "modern" English sounded more like "60s stoner" English to our ears and trying not to laugh your ass off when she was rambling on about Samson and his "groovy cat" Delilah was seriously difficult (she didn't appreciate people laughing at her biblical readings!)