Saturday, July 25, 2009

Porn? Too silly!

WATCH OUT boys and girls! It's late night with the Blag Hag! Aka, I've finally cracked and it's time to get to the dirty stuff. The rest of this night probably will be mildly NSFW, unless you don't have to worry about curious coworkers peeping over your shoulder.

Why don't women watch as much porn as men? I think someone finally got it right:
"For me, the real problem with most porn is its hokeyness — the ridiculous costumes, the awful cinematography, the ludicrous story lines, the terrible acting (not to mention how scary the close-ups sometimes look, how fake the boobs are, how some starlets really sound like injured animals...)."
One hundred percent agreed.

I'm not sure why it seems like guys don't have a problem with this - they are the ones watching the majority of porn, after all. But silliness in porn drives me nuts. Even at peak horniness, an ugly pair of socks (why the hell are you still wearing them?), unrealistic people, fake moans, funky disco music, or cats walking by in the background will just ruin it for me. It's not necessarily that I react in a disgusted way - usually it just distracts me. Sometimes it's so funny that I keep watching to laugh at it instead of enjoying it the way Aphrodite intended. I've even wished there was a blog devoted to making fun of the ridiculous stuff in porn. I'd do it myself, but I kind of don't want my name eternally associated with that.

So guys, enlighten me. How do you do it? Do you just not notice it in the heat of the moment?

This is post 34 of 49 of Blogathon. Pledge a donation to the Secular Student Alliance here.

23 comments:

  1. Why do people watch cheezy slasher movies? There lies the answer.

    Why, once in undergrad, someone had the seminal classic "Debbie Does Dallas" on DVD (all digitally remastered, Criterion Collection) and we watched it as a group, fastforwarding through the porn and only watching the plot.

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  2. So, you want my honest opinion on porn? I think it's silly because it's targeted at men. Men don't watch the details - most men don't watch the details. They watch the breasts. I find it hard to find enjoyable porn. The fantasies they try to set up are laudible, and the women are fake.

    That doesn't mean I don't enjoy it, from time to time. But I would rather read something erotic than watch it, mostly. I find that to be more appealing.

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  3. Debbie Does Dallas doesn't count, it's a classic! I mean, I watched Deep Throat and Behind the Green Door for their cultural significance, not to get all worked up.

    And for a clit in the back of the throat. That was pretty funny too.

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  4. Only 7.5 hours to go. You're doing good!

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  5. Debbie Does Dallas seems to epitomize everything that is wrong with porn.

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  6. I... don't do produced-porn. I can't watch it because I will start laughing and pointing.

    Most of the stuff I do is old recorded stickcam vids or something. It's much more interesting, and the people in them are generally genuinely enjoying themselves.

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  7. See, there's a difference between recreationally watching porn "for the lulz" and actually watching it in order to get off. There was this blog I used to read about a lady who worked in a place that had a really big porn section and so she would watch and blog about her customers.

    The people who are dependant on this type of thing aren't looking for a porn directed by Peter Jackson. They're looking for enough skin for them to flog the dolphin for a few minutes.

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  8. This post seems more appropriate here: I think I am going to go all the way with Jen tonight. In the blogathon.

    VGH tomorrow, for sure.

    Yeah, amateur stuff is pretty fun to watch, but they can be just as ridiculous as anything else.

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  9. I know all of you want to go all the way with me tonight, wooooo ;D

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  10. Yeah, they can be ridiculous, but it's the tone that's different and important.

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  11. Yeah, just some of us have to be at work in time for your last post!

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  12. I, as a male, have to agree 100% with this post. I'm definitely not alone among my gender here, but judging by how incredibly fucking hard it is to find quality porn (excepting perhaps Abby Winters), I'd have to say I'm in a small minority—probably about the same percentage that being a scientifically-minded atheist puts me.

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  13. I manage to watch porn by not watching generic porn.
    Deep Throat and Debbie and the stuff you'll find 70 copies of at the local smut store? Those *are* terrible. I avoid them, very successfully. I'm in a similar boat as you I think, in that I don't think I could get aroused and stay aroused with such films(unless I spent the past couple years in a monastery perhaps?)

    But there are some decent sites out there that eschew cheesy stories(Man website X sure seems to run into a lot of hitchhikers and lonely women ordering pizza eh? -_-) entirely and just show some people having a fun time with each other doing sexual stuff.

    I don't watch porn for the plot, so don't bother giving me a lame plot. If I wanted good plot I'd watch a regular movie, if I wanted bad plot I'd be watching amateur acting on youtube. Just show me people having fun exploring their sexuality please. It's certainly rarer to find this sort of thing, but one can. No cats walking in the background or dogs barking in these either :P

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  14. I think don't even know if there's a point in asking us. They don't really seem to be designing it with us in mind, frankly.

    I've never heard of a guy who was interested in any kind of plot in porn, at least these days. First off, experience has taught us that none of them have the talent to write a good story. I would also imagine most guys are not trying to turn this into an hour long ordeal every time.

    They pull all kinds of other frustrating stuff on us, like zooming in on the guy's face or ass for extended periods. I'm not homophobic and can watch gay porn without freaking out, no problem, but I'm also not really attracted to that, and most of the guys in porn are pretty ugly. Think Ron Jeremy. It's really jarring to suddenly be subjected to that.

    It doesn't help that they switch camera angles or positions every 5 secs, but always cycling between some small set of the same stuff. It would be nice if every angle and position lasted at least a couple of minutes.

    Basically, we seem to have almost no input in the matter. I'd read stories, but I gave up on that long ago, because most of the shorter ones are written by average people who suck at it, and the longer ones are just too time consuming. It's something I want to finish in one sitting, not spend several days on.

    Oh, and I thought Debbie Does Dallas was horrible.

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  15. No, "Hard Rock Zombies" was terrible. DDD was merely bad.

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  16. I'm male, and I can't stand fake brests. There's something so unnatural about the way that they move, they put me off. I've only watched one porn movie, and it was lulz. I much prefer random sex to sex with a plot.

    I guess the main difference is that it's designed for men. Most of the men seem to be thugs or bikies(but men don't care because we're not watching them), and yeah, not much fashion sense except for lingerine.

    I'd recommend abbywinters for girl porn, if it wasn't for the fact that it's just girls.

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  17. I think that Pirates was a pretty passable porn that was also hilarious enough that it was actually worth watching all the way through. Additionally, if anyone is interested in a site reviewing some of the most ridiculous and terrible porn I suggest:

    http://www.headinjurytheater.com/nightmarefuel.htm

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  18. The ridiculous costumes and plots coupled with awful dialogue and odd distracting scenery makes porn even better than one would expect while watching women fake orgasm.

    In short, everything you're complaining about is something I enjoy about porn.

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  19. Sorry still catching up with from your blogathon posts. (spent some time in the hospital unfortunately..)..

    Will say this.. Women mostly enjoy emotional pornography. Like.. Grey's Anatomy...

    Most women also archive emotional orgasm (long story) a lot easier than men during sex. Which is the reason for the long history of emotional envy in men.

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  20. Arr... archive = achieve... lousy spell check.

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  21. I semi-ignore it.

    Horrible plot lines, effects and continuity errors are so prevalent in porn that I've learned to mostly ignore them. And once I've finished, the mood is ruined entirely as all the horrible things flood my cold and calculating mind.

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  22. I know this is late Jen, but I think you're going to love this blog: www.luriddigs.com . It's amateur gay porn where the sole purpose of the blog is to critique the interior design of the place where the porn is taken. And it's *hilarious*.

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  23. I went through a phase when porn was new and exciting, then I got bored. Rather than look for harder or weirder stuff (I don't like brutality and don't understand fetishes), I just gave up. I'd be in the market for something better if I could find it. The Japanese do very good erotic still photography, far better than Western, but I don't know their porn (and their schoolgirl fetish makes me uneasy).

    Mind you, where I live I could never tell any woman friend of my findings, because the official feminist position is that Porn Is Violence Against Women. Not "leads to", but "is", as in "water is wet". No exceptions. But that's another story.

    My pet peeve is the money shot. Real lovers don't do this, surely! I once saw a full-length film with a plot and production values, must have been from the Boogie Nights era pre-video, where the man came inside the woman. How do we know? Because he acted, duh, And that was cute and sweet, just like the equivalent bit with MW and JM in Boogie.

    Agree with Madatheist about fake breasts, and bikers. I've never seen DDD. The car fetish also bores me rigid, but not in a good way.

    If I were making a porn movie, which I am soooo not competent to do, I should try for a set-up that pushed every man's button for the unattainable girls of his youth (for me, it's cycling students in Laura Ashley dresses) and really tried to recreate the sense that you would sell your soul for a hug from her, make her the Grail, then slooooowly and carefully rewrite the history.

    Re flogging your dolphin, a question that might fit on this site: On Fridays, do Catholics have to beat their fish?

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