Time to play Kill, Sleep With, or Marry:
(If you're not familiar with this game, you were obviously never a teenage girl. Select one person for each action)
As awful as it would have to be to tolerate a lifetime of Billy Mays's yelling, I still think having sex with him would be more horrible. So I'm going to say kill Michael, do Farrah, and marry Billy. Unless we're talking Thriller-era Michael, in which case do Michael, marry Farrah, and kill Billy Mays.
Am I a horrible person?
Me: Having sex with Billy Mays would be fucking horrible
Friend: "HI, I'M BILLY MAYS AND I'M EJACULATING IN YOUR VAGINA!"
Me: omg I hate you. I'm in a computer lab and trying not to tear up and die laughing
Friend: "AFTERWARD, WE CAN CLEAN IT UP WITH KABOOM!"
Friend: "BEHOLD, THE POWER OF OXYCLEAN!"
Me: STOP IT
Me: omg a professor is laughing at me
At least he's more horrible than I am.