Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Natural Sexuality

"Alright everybody, quiet down, we're going to get started," grumbled Lion. He glared at the menagerie in front of him, squawking and snorting away obliviously. "I SAID QUIET!" he roared. The crowd was silenced and turned wide-eyed to the speaker. "Ahem. Thank you. I'd like to welcome all of you to the second meeting of the Animal Association of Family Values. First off-"

"Wait a second," piped Bear, "who the heck voted you king of the jungle?"

Tarsier rolled his eyes, which was quite spectacular and frightening to those around him. "Maybe if you weren't hibernating through our last meeting..."

"Enough, enough," grumbled Lion. Everything always took ten times longer at inter-species meetings. "Let's just get down to business, shall we? The topic for today is humans - or Homo sapiens - and their-" he paused to sneer distastefully- "unnatural "heterosexual monogamy" business."

"Oh come on," whined Albatross, "are we still going on about that? There are plenty of examples of monogamy across the animal kingdom. 90% of birds are monogamous!"

Bear whispered under his breath, "Only 3% of mammals."

Albatross huffed. "You mammalists! Really."

"Oh come on, Albatross," said Lion. "We all know that's not entirely true. Only a tiny fraction of birds are actually sexually monogamous. You guys just can't help getting some on the side. And wasn't there even a new study that lesbian child rearing pairs are highly prevalent in Albatross?"

"...Maybe," Albatross blushed, sinking back into the crowd.

"Anyway," continued Lion, "it has become apparent to the Association that this human deviancy is out of control. It's simply not natural compared to the mating habits of the rest of the animal kingdom. Well-" he corrected, feeling Albatross's glare, "it's not the majority at least. And we all know the most common habits are the best. And even if it is found in other animals, that doesn't make it right! Look at how quickly they're out breeding us! The resources they waste on frivolous wedding ceremonies! The anguish they cause themselves feeling like they're forced to stay with their partner for a lifetime! Why, we're doing them a favor to point out the error in their ways."

Bear grumbled. "So what do you suggest we actually do about it?"

Lion stroked his mane proudly. He already saw this question coming. "Well, first we should define what exactly it is we find natural. That way the humans know how to act properly. For example, polygyny is the most common mating system in vertebrates. I have to mate with my many lionesses thousands of times a week, whether they like it or not. Humans? Once a week, maybe if they're lucky, and with only one female!"

"Woah there," piped Marmoset. "What about polyandry? Us girls are allowed multiple mates too!"

"Please," huffed Dwarf Mongoose. "Why are we talking like everyone should get the chance to mate, anyway? Only the dominants should reproduce! I don't even let my subordinate females ovulate!"

Bonobo grabbed Marmoset and Mongoose in a big hug. "Can't we all just get along? I mean, we have sex regardless of gender to solve disputes! Doesn't that sound great?"

Tarsier sneered. "Maybe if you hippies would have watched your cousin a little closer we wouldn't be having this discussion!"

"Now, now," muttered Lion, trying to regain order as it looked like Bonobo was about to burst into tears. "Maybe we shouldn't just focus on mating systems. Like, what's with all this step parenting business? They should kill all the previous cubs - er, children - when they start a relationship!"

"Ha!" laughed Praying Mantis. "Just kill the children? Why, the women should kill the male! What a good meal they're missing out on, letting all that meat go to waste. They only need him for his sperm anyway! So illogical."

Lion frowned nervously. "Well, I don't know about that-"

"Pshh, why need men at all?" said Whiptail Lizard. "Parthenogenesis works perfectly fine for us!"

Tarsier rolled his eyes again. "Who invited the feminists?"

"Why is it always about females anyway?" piped Seahorse, floating in a small pool for the aquatic animals. The Animal Association of Family Values didn't discriminate across taxa. "Males should be the ones who give birth! Female birth is just weird."

"Yeah, but only if they keep their young on their back," said Giant Water Bug.

"Or in their stomach," croaked Platypus Frog, burping up a tadpole.

Fig Wasp buzzed excitedly around Lion's head. "And why do humans have an age of consent? My sons will mate with my daughters before they're even born!"

"Consent?" Mallard Duck looked around confused. "What's that? You mean you don't just go around raping your females?"

Beg Bug giggled excitedly. "I do. I'll stab my junk through their abdomen if I have to! They call it "traumatic insemination," but you know they're just asking for it."

"Hell, I don't even care if they're dead, I'll still do 'em," croaked Cane Toad. Many of the animals blanched.

"You're all nuts!" cried Fungus in the back. "Why do you only have two sexes anyway? Why, some of my cousins have hundreds!"

"What the hell are you doing here, Fungus? You're not even an animal!" snarled Lion.

"Animalists!" cried Fungus, and slowly oozed away.

"Look," sighed Lion, exasperated at the animals' squabbling. "Maybe we should put this off until next month's meeting, when we've had more time to think about it. We can still agree that heterosexual monogamy is unnatural, right?"

"Right!"

"Alright. Let's just leave it at that for now and move on to our next topic. So our boycott of Papa John's is going well..."

33 comments:

  1. That's the cutest thing I've ever read that discusses rape, necrophelia, and infanticide. The bible may contain more rape, necrophelia, and infanticide - however, the bible is not cute.

    Speaking of animals and religion, I think you'll enjoy this:

    http://www.lolcatbible.com

    ReplyDelete
  2. That was pretty awesome. Love it.

    ReplyDelete
  3. You really do have too much time now. =P

    ReplyDelete
  4. You are ridiculously clever.

    And I'm not. I have no idea what your intended message was. Perhaps you were presenting the multitude of sexual behaviors throughout the animal kingdom as a way to suggest that it doesn't matter what kind of sexual behavior you as a human engage in. But certain behaviors, like rape, well...certainly might be a shortcut to spread your genes, but...

    Is heterosexual monogamy natural? From the seemingly endless list of sexual behaviors apparent in the animal kingdom, you'd think it would be. But are you saying that? I dunno!

    Help the feeble minded.

    ReplyDelete
  5. OK, I'm an idiot.

    I think I get it now. Satire on questioning homosexuality as unnatural. Nevermind, nevermind.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Good, I was about to be a little worried =P

    ReplyDelete
  7. Nice... a shame that anyone who the satire would be most useful against probably don't have a whole lot of respect for biology anyhow.

    ReplyDelete
  8. (btw... just found your blog through an old post at Friendy Atheist... great posts you have!)

    ReplyDelete
  9. Very cool, I love story-based blog posts!
    Especially the pre-birth mating

    ReplyDelete
  10. Ahahaha! This was a scream, I just loved it.

    ReplyDelete
  11. If you really, really, REALLY try to envision this, perhaps in the vain of something like the Disney Lion King movie... it's even better.

    You should write children's books.

    ReplyDelete
  12. this is great. made my day.

    ReplyDelete
  13. This is a superb bit of writing. If it wasn't for my sickening, unnatural monogamous tendancies, I'd be across the Atlantic to add you to my harem right away.

    ReplyDelete
  14. As an unashamed queer polyamourist, this made me giggle - thank you!

    ReplyDelete
  15. your point is well taken.. perhaps that we really shouldn't consider ourselves above the rest of the animal kingdom?
    I did , however , enjoy your presentation, your writing is superb.

    *bug*

    ReplyDelete
  16. Now it's not just bed bugs, spiders are into traumatic insemination too: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/science/nature/8023413.stm

    ReplyDelete
  17. From what I've read and seen, among cats it doesn't happen until she descides to assume the position...after teasing him a while...and afterward swats him just to reassure herself she's in control, or sometimes just rolls over. So it might be more like "...whether I want to or not." As for thousands of times a week, do the math--how many minutes in a week, I mislaid my calculator--and recall that lions, like other cats, spend a lot of time sleeping--that's why they're called lions, they spend so much time just lyin' around...so you gotta factor that in too. As for traumatic insemination, do the drilled parts have nerve endings?

    ReplyDelete
  18. Lion sex only lasts a couple seconds, maybe a minute max. So that's only a couple hours out of their day for mating, rough estimate.

    And I have no idea if their stabby bits have nerve endings...I'd guess not.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Just brilliant. Glad to see the bonobo getting some play (not that they don't get enough on their own!). 

    ReplyDelete
  20. Nice post-- a realistic fairytale for a change. Hmmm...that's not at all like the current Little Red narratives at all...

    "You guys just can't help getting some on the side." Yeah--but from who? It reminds me of those studies where high school kids are interviewed--at some age group, like, 40% of the males are having sex. With who? 10% of the females....gotta love the girls who take it for the team;-)

    And really-- bonobos  hugging? We all know that in one of the few examples matriarchy in existence, all the females actually rub vaginas; and have sex with their children....

    ReplyDelete
  21. Love it!  Can almost picture the luscious accompanying kids' book illustrations.

    jill
    http://inbedwithmarriedwomen.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  22. Hey, did a misogynist scientist write this?: "Hermaphroditic flatworms reproduce by "penis fencing". Individuals "fence" with penises, attempting to use their penis to pierce the skin of the other and inject sperm. The 'loser' is the flatworm which is inseminated and must bear the energy costs of reproduction."http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Traumatic_insemination#Use_in_the_animal_kingdom

    ReplyDelete
  23. How dare you make me think about the infinate possibilitiess..Robert M

    ReplyDelete
  24.  http://www.newscientist.com/article/dn14641-monogamy-gene-found-in-people.html

    ReplyDelete
  25. This was a humorous story, as well as an informative and, um, eye-opening one. The whole section near the end about not needing consent (especially Cane Toad) made me laugh out loud in the middle of the night. Great story! :)

    ReplyDelete
  26. Gianfranco Elio Tubino BryceDecember 16, 2013 at 2:05 AM

    Loved it!

    ReplyDelete
  27. Ahahahaha! Sand Crab (female) could have replied: "What's consent? I can't even tell when a male climbs up on my back and inseminates me. They're so small, anyway, who notices?"

    ReplyDelete
  28. So basically, if you justify homosexuality by saying "animals do it so it;s natural" then you've also got to be ok with rape, infanticide, murder of the sexual partner, as well as gang rape in some cases...
    Have a look at ducks, bottlenose dolphins, spiders, etc.
    Really the entire "real life" section on http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/BlueAndOrangeMorality will give you some ideas. And I checked them. They're true.


    One fun one is the angler fish: the male is tiny and can't really eat. The female is huge with a glowing lantern, the male finds the female by his amazing sense of smell (about all that he does have) and bites her. Then he starts to dissolve into the female intil only his nuts are left for the female to use to impregnate herself (they link up at the blood vessel & nerve level...)

    ReplyDelete
  29. COMPLETELY missing the point. This is obviously in response those that say homosexuality is unnatural / heterosexuality is natural and that straight is right because they can have kids & the purpose of marriage is for straight couples to raise kids. This shows how many ways people like that are wrong. (Eg monogamy is pretty rare, and homosexuality is actually pretty prevalent.)

    Saying you've also got to be okay with rape etc because it's found in nature (although a lot less than homosexual behavior in vertebrates) is moving the goal posts. You can being okay with gays and not the rest because being gay doesn't hurt anyone the way that other stuff does.

    ReplyDelete
  30. An updated version should include female hyenas, fratricide (common in birds), and the female bug with a penis: http://www.nature.com/news/female-insect-uses-spiky-penis-to-take-charge-1.15064 & http://www.nature.com/news/female-insect-uses-spiky-penis-to-take-charge-1.15064

    ReplyDelete
  31. Oh god, please don't bring spotted hyenas into this. They're the only species in which the female leaders use their "penises" to establish their dominance: sodomizing subordinate males and females alike to maintain their dominance.

    ReplyDelete
  32. It's not a question of taking one for the team, they do it because they like it.

    ReplyDelete